Facebook / Humor / Random Musings

How to Talk About Snow on Facebook

Snowy Yard

SNOWMG! It’s snowing. Or it snowed. Or it’s going to snow. Or, remember that time it snowed?

If you live in a cold weather state, chances are, it falls every year. Yet every time it happens it’s like a WORLD EVENT! SNOW!!! At least, that’s how it appears on Facebook.

Example 1: The SHOCKED 

“OMG! Yesterday there was NO snow. Today there IS snow. Can you believe it?”

Yes, yes I can. It’s the weather. It changes.

Example 2: The angry

“This [expletive deleted] snow! I hate it! It’s ruining my day! My life is over because of this snow!”

Unless you live somewhere tropical where snow is unexpected, this is kind of a harsh reaction to precipitation. If you hate it so much…move somewhere warmer. There are these people. They call them Snow Birds. They are perhaps the smartest people on Earth. The live somewhere cozy, like Florida or Arizona, during the snowy months and laugh at all of us and our snow shovels as they wield golf clubs in January. Then, when the weather gets warm, they flee the heat and come back North. Brilliant. Not that all of us can pull it off. But it’s something worth considering if snow makes you irrationally angry.

Example 3: The picture taker

“Look! Snow! It’s in my backyard. See?”

Hey, look. It's snow!

Wow. Is it different from the snow in anyone else’s backyard? Is it different from the snow that was in your backyard last year (here…let’s look up last year’s picture to compare)? Is this the first time you’ve seen snow? Is it an abnormal, blizzard-level amount? Is it covering your country home tree branches like some sort of famous painting (by Monet or Rockwell or some artist who actually paints snow)? Is it some weird color–like pink, or blue, or red, or green, or psychedelic rainbow tie-dye? No, just snow? OK.

Example 4: The elated

“Snow! Glorious, glorious snow! Behold, it is a winter wonderland and I am going to go sledding, and skiing, and snow shoeing. I’m going to make snow angels, and snowmen, and snow ice cream. I can’t wait to adorn myself with boots and hats and mittens and a scarf and go clomping around it in. Yay winter!”

Ingredients for Snow Ice Cream

Snow, milk, vanilla, sugar. Ingredients for snow Ice cream

You have to admire the positivity of this reaction. Unless it’s April and you just want it to be freaking spring already (of course, if you are having that sort of reaction to snow in April, perhaps you should take the advice of Example 2).

Example 5: The weatherman doubters

“Really weatherman? Really? You said we would get 4-6 inches last night. I’m only seeing 3 here. Did you go to some sort of fancy weather school to get all that weather predicting brilliance?”

The poor weatherman. First we blame him for predicting snow in the first place. Then we blame him if we don’t get the correct amount of it. More snow than he said–how dare he leave us so unprepared for the day?! Less snow than he said–fear mongering!–this is the media sensationalizing the weather if I’ve ever seen it.

Someone look up the stats for me–are more weathermen alcoholics than other professions?

Example 6: The strictly factual

“It’s snowing.”

Thank you for the information.

Example 7: The smartass

“Wow. Is it snowing out there? I never would have known if it weren’t for this news feed. I mean, I could look out my window and see if there’s white stuff. But why do that when I have Facebook?”

Not that anyone you know falls into this category. Moving on.

Example 8: The super talented picture taker

“While you whiners were complaining about snow, I was off being awesome with my fancy camera and fancy macro filter thingy and oodles of God-given talent. Take that, suckers!”

Macro Snow Flake

Picture by my friend, B. I'm not jealous of her talent or anything. LOOK at that snow flake. LOOK. Have you ever seen one that up close before??

Well, you go on with your bad self. I’m just gonna go look at my picture of bland whiteness in my backyard again.

Example 9: Kids in the snow

“I can’t move my arms! I can’t move my arms!”

Little kid in a snow suit

There's a two-year-old under there somewhere.

This is a rite of passage. Every child MUST be put through the puffy-snow-suit experience.

Example 10: The braggart

“I just shoveled my whole driveway. And then the driveway of the lady next door. And then I shoveled it again because while I was contemplating putting the shovel away, more snow fell, so I shoveled that too.”

OR

“With my SNOW-LIMINATOR 3000 I blew the 2 1/2 inches of snow from my driveway in 4 minutes flat.” *Tim-Allen-style manly grunt*

Hey you, yeah you! If you’re so proud, come do my driveway too!

So while the flakes fall, contemplate how you will express yourself over this weather phenomenon. Have I missed something? Do you have an example of your own to add? Happy Winter!

(*disclaimer: I’m not telling you not to do any of these. I imagine most of us fall into at least one of these categories. I’m strictly pointing out the facts. Plus, look at me. I wrote a whole BLOG POST about it. Oh hey, kettle. This is pot. You’re black. Plus, if we don’t talk about snow on Facebook, there will be nothing left to talk about. Other than what we had for lunch. Sandwiches are far more boring than snow.)

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13 thoughts on “How to Talk About Snow on Facebook

  1. This post is chock full o’ awesome.

    And so, so SOOO true.

    I have to say that my personal favorite is Example 6. I’ve developed a drinking game with my boyfriend — we have to do a shot every time someone gives a factual weather report on Facebook.

    We’re drunk pretty often around these parts…

    😉

  2. I love this! Your snark knows no bounds (or mercy…which is what I like in a blog).
    In case you were wondering: I have NO snow! In MA! In January! WTF??? It rained icy slop from the sky yesterday! Ewww!
    (I was going to post that on FB but I think I’ll just leave it here for you to enjoy. You’re welcome.)

    • LOL! We got all of our snow last night (the first pic and pic of my 2-year-old are from playing out there this morning). So, maybe it’s headed your way? It has been a crazy warm winter. I know you’d enjoy some for recreational purposes.

  3. I personally enjoy the snow status updates that are combined with letters to inanimate objects:

    “Dear snow can u pick another day to come, like one were I am not so busy at work. Thanks :)”

    Someone posted that on Facebook yesterday. I think Snow would write back,

    “Dear person,

    Sorry for the inconvenience. I am processing your request with about as seriousness as you approached middle school English.

    Yours,

    Snow”

    • Haha! Good one. The open letter. I admit I do updates like that from time to time :). Never to snow though (and never, ever with the letter “u” for “you”. I only do things like that on Twitter when I run out of characters).

      • I guess “Snow” ran out of credibility when it had typos in its own open letter. (Holds head in shame.)

        I agree with u, tho 🙂 A good open letter on FB can be super funny.

  4. Living in southeast Texas, any snow is a HUGE event. My son went to school today in short sleeves and shorts. I asked him to please take a jacket since it was 34 degrees, but it’s 51 now. Which is a cold day to us. Would you please send some snow down here since my children have been begging for it for about forever? I will happily post pics, elated comments, snowflake photos, or whatever. (Can’t do the puffy jacket thing because we don’t own any. Not needed.) My children will love you so much that they will start calling you Auntie Erin. 😉

    Enjoy the snow.

    • Figuring out how to get it down there would be totally worth it if I get called Auntie Erin!!

      Hmmm…it will probably require some dry ice and a very understanding mail carrier.

      I had fun with the kids out there today. This is the first time the twins have been big enough to really enjoy it, though they lost their footing more times than I can count (hence the snow-covered gloves in the pic up there 🙂 ).

  5. Wish I’d seen this one sooner, cause it’s full of fun and funny! It’s impossible to parody FB as much as it should be, and you are performing a valuable service to society here by doing your part! 🙂

  6. Pingback: Death and Snowmen « Erin Writes

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