There are a few things you all may not know about me. Well, maybe once I tell them to you, you won’t be surprised.
Like, before I go places I practice making faces in the mirror. I stare myself down and I think, “OK, do the surprised face. Now the sad face. Now the enraged face!” That way when I’m talking to strangers I’ll feel confident I can make the appropriate reactionary response to stories. It’s true. I think it all started during sorority rush. “Wow. An English major? No. Way! That is so interesting!”
Another thing–you can’t leave cans of frosting in my presence. Just don’t. Not if you want to frost a cake with them. To me, frosting = snack. Forget the cake. I might occasionally dip graham crackers in it. But mostly I don’t want anything standing between me and the sugary, partially hydrogenated oils. That’s why I don’t buy it often. It’s just not safe. I blame this one all on my dad. He did it too.
Lastly, I secretly hope when I’m walking through grocery stores, talking to my children, that some talent scout will magically bump into me and offer me a contract. No, no. Not a modelling contract. I mean, who am I kidding? I eat frosting from a can for crying out loud! No, a vocal talent scout. And not for singing, because I don’t sing. I’m talking about someone who would say, “You have a lovely reading voice. You should record audio books!”
And then I’d get paid for my awesome voice AND to read books all the time. I mean, how amazing would that be? It’s kind of the perfect career for me. That’s why I have to inflect properly when I say something like, “No, children. We can’t eat the bananas before we pay for them.”
I know, I know. That’s not realistic. To really get a career in reading books I’d actually have to take acting lessons and record demos and work for it and stuff. But one can dream.
I think this all stems from the time I read Rose Madder by Stephen King.
It’s been a long time since I’ve read the book, and I remember it being kind of strange and making me uneasy about eating pomegranates, but mostly I remember wanting to be like the main character (for just this one moment because her life was not something I’d envy). She was inside a store–a pawn shop, I believe–when a random stranger heard her voice and decided she’d be perfect for reading books on tape. And since everything that happens in fiction, especially Stephen King novels, can totally happen in real life, I know this could happen for me someday.
That’s my fiction-inspired fantasy career. What’s yours? Have you always wanted to be a Literatec, straight out of a Jasper Fforde novel? Or maybe a member of District 12’s fashion team, straight from The Hunger Games?