Food / Random Musings

What Not to Put in an Easter Basket: Jelly Beans

Image by Oatsy40 on Flickr

Maybe it’s just me. Often times with this sort of stuff it is. And that’s OK. But Easter is on Sunday and I’m going over the list of things I need to fill three little baskets. Chocolate bunnies. Peeps. Little toys. Plastic eggs. But I refuse. REFUSE. To buy jelly beans.

I don’t know who on Earth decided these things were tasty. But I have never liked them. Let’s look at the reasons why jelly beans are evil.

1.) Oh hi, cavities!

Once you bite through the shell-like exterior of the bean, your teeth dive into the soft, chewy center. And then comes the sticky, sugary, stuck-to-your-molars mess time. I always end up picking remnants of jelly beans out of my back teeth. Which is highly unattractive. So not only does every bite mean large dental bills, I’m also pissing off Miss Manners (who doesn’t really like me anyway. But still…).

2.) What do beans have to with Easter anyway?

Image by Aunt Owwee on Flickr

I did some research (read: a five-minute Google search) and didn’t turn up much. It seems some people have started using jelly beans in religious celebrations of Easter. Mainly the color of each bean represents part of the Christian doctrine (black jelly beans represent sin, white forgiveness, etc.). But I think that’s a recent adaptation.

Easter takes place in spring, which is about new growth. That’s where things like bunnies and flowers and eggs come in. Maybe jelly beans represent that? Like they’re seeds? Hmm.

Or it’s just a convenient and colorful way to pack in some sugar. No matter what, I won’t let the jelly bean lovers bully me into thinking omitting them from my baskets is anti-Easter (OK, OK, no one has actually ever said that to me, I’m just justifying here.).

3.) Gummy candies are for bullies. 

So once I went to the movies with my BFF and these two boys we were friends with in high school. I had a mega crush on one of the boys. So naturally I wanted to look , like, really sophisticated and cool in front of him. Which is hard to do when said boy bites a gummy bear in half and then throws it at the back of your leg and you don’t feel it and it sticks there THE WHOLE NIGHT and everyone giggles about it behind your back for years. And I know gummy bears and jelly beans aren’t the exact same thing. But close enough! Even thinking about it now makes me want to hide in my locker and I don’t even have a locker anymore! *Phew* Thanks. I feel better just talking about it. But jelly beans still aren’t going in the Easter baskets in my house.

4.) You can’t trust jelly beans.

Your standard jelly beans come in flavors like strawberry or lime. But then people decided to get fancy with them and now you never know what you’re getting (unless you open the bag with the label yourself). Mmm. Is that purple jelly bean grape flavored? Or clove? I mean, if you were expected to bite into a grape bean and got clove instead, it’d be pretty shocking to your system. You just can’t rely on jelly beans to give you what you’re expecting. And I, for one, don’t need that kind of stress on Easter.

5.) They aren’t chocolate.

Image by Willie Lunchmeat on Flickr.

If I’m going to indulge in something that’s going straight to my hips, it better be made of chocolate. Why would I want to waste my sugar binge on jelly beans when I could be eating Cadbury Creme Eggs? No contest. And to raise my children right, I’ve got to show them the way. That’s what good mothers do.

So like I said, it’s probably just me. And if it is, enjoy your jelly bean filled Easter morning. But I’m reaching for another Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Yum!

To those who celebrate–have a very Happy Easter! To those who don’t–enjoy your weekend!

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17 thoughts on “What Not to Put in an Easter Basket: Jelly Beans

  1. For stocking stuffers one year, my husband mistakenly bought the ‘trick’ Jelly Belly. Among the amazing flavours we were all treated to: dirt, vomit, and snot. It was a very disappointing xmas morning; I’m with you on the distrust.

  2. I have mixed feelings on point 4. I really like Jelly Bellys (rather than your bog standard jelly bean) and they remind me of when I first visited out here. There is the danger though of picking up a red one expecting something like strawberry and getting a strong cinnamon instead, which is kind of annoying.

    On the other hand, I’m always waffling to my wife about Cadbury’s Creme eggs and making sure we get in a good supply before Easter is over. Given the choice I’d take the chocolate. Mind you, I would eat chocolate all day if the calories or lack of nutrients weren’t an issue so I’m probably not a reliable witness.

  3. Jelly beans are one of those foods that have a half-life of, like, forever. They start out too dry and hard (for my taste) and pretty much stay that way.

    One of the boys recently tried to make me eat an “earwax” offering from a box of Bertie Botts Every-Flavor Beans (Harry Potter – probably didn’t need to explain that to you, but not everyone reads HP). I passed, needless to say.

    BTW, thanks for following my blog! 🙂

    • *Shiver* I appreciate the Bertie Botts Every-Flavor Beans in theory, because who wouldn’t love something so very Potter-esque? (I’m totally a Ravenclaw, by the way. I’d like to say I’m Gryffindor, but I just don’t think I am.) But then I think of earwax flavor and I can’t take it :). Now, chocolate frogs I could stand behind.

      You’re welcome! It’s about time I did!

  4. Erin, you were doing so well, and I was cheering you on as I marveled at the wit and wisdom of each paragraph, and even jumping up to shout “Yeah! She’s right! Those jelly beans are just no darn good! And I was with you all the way on chocolate, yes indeed, cause chocolate makes my wife happy and my wife being happy increases my chances of being happy. So yes indeed on chocolate happiness for happy couples!

    And then it all crashed and burned… because you had to go and mention Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs – my life long candy nemesis, over which I have no control whatsoever. I’m going out right now to buy the biggest bag of these will power destroyers that I can find. So close, so close… and then it all falls apart in the very last sentence.

    Happy Easter to you and yours… Anyway. LOL :- D

  5. Oh no, not the poor jellybean! I like jellybeans, especially the black licorice ones. Yum. It’s also fun to buy a pack of Bean Boozled jelly beans and see what kids are willing to put in their mouth just for the hope that it’s a fruity flavor instead of something like ear wax or pencil shavings.

    I do agree that chocolate trumps just about any other candy option. Just give your kids all of the jelly beans and take all the chocolate for yourself. I promise not to rat you out. 😉

  6. This reminds me of the beans from Harry Potter…boogie flavored :snort: I guess I’m just glad I’m not a candy person in general. I’d much rather have baked goodies in my basket 😀

  7. The only things worse are the circus peanuts and the candy coated marshmallow eggs. Bunnies are the way to go! I just wanted to let you know that I Guten-tagged you. Read my Good Morning to You post and play along if you wish. Cheers!!

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