Maybe it’s just me. Often times with this sort of stuff it is. And that’s OK. But Easter is on Sunday and I’m going over the list of things I need to fill three little baskets. Chocolate bunnies. Peeps. Little toys. Plastic eggs. But I refuse. REFUSE. To buy jelly beans.
I don’t know who on Earth decided these things were tasty. But I have never liked them. Let’s look at the reasons why jelly beans are evil.
1.) Oh hi, cavities!
Once you bite through the shell-like exterior of the bean, your teeth dive into the soft, chewy center. And then comes the sticky, sugary, stuck-to-your-molars mess time. I always end up picking remnants of jelly beans out of my back teeth. Which is highly unattractive. So not only does every bite mean large dental bills, I’m also pissing off Miss Manners (who doesn’t really like me anyway. But still…).
2.) What do beans have to with Easter anyway?
I did some research (read: a five-minute Google search) and didn’t turn up much. It seems some people have started using jelly beans in religious celebrations of Easter. Mainly the color of each bean represents part of the Christian doctrine (black jelly beans represent sin, white forgiveness, etc.). But I think that’s a recent adaptation.
Easter takes place in spring, which is about new growth. That’s where things like bunnies and flowers and eggs come in. Maybe jelly beans represent that? Like they’re seeds? Hmm.
Or it’s just a convenient and colorful way to pack in some sugar. No matter what, I won’t let the jelly bean lovers bully me into thinking omitting them from my baskets is anti-Easter (OK, OK, no one has actually ever said that to me, I’m just justifying here.).
3.) Gummy candies are for bullies.
So once I went to the movies with my BFF and these two boys we were friends with in high school. I had a mega crush on one of the boys. So naturally I wanted to look , like, really sophisticated and cool in front of him. Which is hard to do when said boy bites a gummy bear in half and then throws it at the back of your leg and you don’t feel it and it sticks there THE WHOLE NIGHT and everyone giggles about it behind your back for years. And I know gummy bears and jelly beans aren’t the exact same thing. But close enough! Even thinking about it now makes me want to hide in my locker and I don’t even have a locker anymore! *Phew* Thanks. I feel better just talking about it. But jelly beans still aren’t going in the Easter baskets in my house.
4.) You can’t trust jelly beans.
Your standard jelly beans come in flavors like strawberry or lime. But then people decided to get fancy with them and now you never know what you’re getting (unless you open the bag with the label yourself). Mmm. Is that purple jelly bean grape flavored? Or clove? I mean, if you were expected to bite into a grape bean and got clove instead, it’d be pretty shocking to your system. You just can’t rely on jelly beans to give you what you’re expecting. And I, for one, don’t need that kind of stress on Easter.
5.) They aren’t chocolate.
If I’m going to indulge in something that’s going straight to my hips, it better be made of chocolate. Why would I want to waste my sugar binge on jelly beans when I could be eating Cadbury Creme Eggs? No contest. And to raise my children right, I’ve got to show them the way. That’s what good mothers do.
So like I said, it’s probably just me. And if it is, enjoy your jelly bean filled Easter morning. But I’m reaching for another Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg. Yum!
To those who celebrate–have a very Happy Easter! To those who don’t–enjoy your weekend!