Absolute Write July Blog Chain

The stressed and over-caffeinated writers were abuzz with exciting excitement as they entered my lovely and writerly blog for another entry in Absolute Write’s monthly chain. (that’s a clue to what this month’s challenge is, by the way.)

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This month’s prompt: the Mini Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

The Mini Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest means trying to write the worst possible first line of a book or story in the spirit of Edward “It was a dark and stormy night…” Bulwer-Lytton. “Worst” in this case is subjective, but florid and ridiculous purple prose is probably closest to the spirit of the thing. Here is a page of examples if you need ’em.

Each post must consist of a single sentence; sentences may be of any length but less than 50-60 words is highly recommended.

And just for fun, a few participants played the “pen name game”, so I did to. To create one: use Lord or Lady accordingly, followed by your maternal grandmother (or grandfather, as the case may be), your first pet’s name hyphenated with your first street name.

Here is my attempt at being deliberately bad (which is tougher than you might think):

As the youngest member of the Prellywick family tap-danced past the verandah’s alabaster columns, she licked from her finger the fluffy, pink frosting which had graced the top of the organic, vegan, sugar-free cupcake in her hand and promptly threw the disgusting, paper-wrapped confection, staining the white-wash of her mother’s perfect porch the same color as the all-natural dye of her treat.

~Lady Nancy Holly-Hilldale

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Since this was short and sweet, I thought I’d include a few of my favorites from the chain so far:

Summer oozed to a putrid halt when, speakerphone on, Krista punched 8 and 6, for her number of left and right ear piercings, 7, for infections contracted, 5, for doctor visits, 3, for courses of antibiotics prescribed, 0, for insurance coverage, and 1, which was exactly the number of rings heard before a recording announced Piercings by Jenny had been disconnected.

~ Lady Doris Dice-Cypress (aka Claire Gillian)

Clotilda took one look at the ravishingly rich Duke, his thoroughbred legs tightly encased in silken breeches the color of clotted cream and his manly chest bravely sporting a voluptuous waterfall of milky lace, then promptly regurgitated salmon and cucumber sandwiches (with no crusts) down the front of her very best dress, causing the frothy white tulle to become splattered with aromatic gobs of peachy-green slime and half-digested fish.

~Lady Florence Gypsy-Cinqchennes (aka Diane Dooley)

The other (equally good at being terrible) participants:

orion_mk3 – http://nonexistentbooks.wordpress.com (link to this month’s post)
AuburnAssassin – http://clairegillian.com (link to this month’s post)
dolores haze – http://dianedooley.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Horseflye – http://thecozylittleplot.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Proach – http://www.deannaproach.com/ (link to this month’s post)
BigWords – http://bigwords88.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
jkellerford – http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
xcomplex – http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Ralph Pines – http://ralfast.wordpress.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Diana Rajchel – http://blog.dianarajchel.com/ (link to this month’s post)
pezie – http://www.erinbrambilla.wordpress.com/ <—-YOU ARE HERE
Guardian – http://daewrites.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
egoodlett – http://wordlarceny.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Alpha Echo – http://writersramblings81.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)
Euclid – http://euclid-thoughts.blogspot.com/ (link to this month’s post)